Since my birthday..i hav stopped updating. Pretty much stopped thinking. Just following the routines of life and let it consumed my time.

Urgh...hate myself for that. Wish i could get back into writing..

Its been so many years since I wrote freely. Was reading some fiction Jes and i used to write, and the comments our readers were leaving us with. We were each other's secret life. The best friend others had no idea existed. :)

I feel like switching to tumblr.

And maybe I would. I miss writing. Creating. Capturing the moments, documenting them for what they are. Instead of just shooting aimlessly.

Just been inspired by the following story. I hope it would inspire you too. :)

http://www.dayswithmyfather.com/

It had been a little dream of mine to write letters to myself. I remember how I used to do it when I was much younger. But now, words are harder to find. Everytime I start typing, the words would leave me. Just like what's happening now...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEE.

I can't thank FB enough. haha.

Foolishly removed the birthday notification on 1st September, confidently thinking my own friends wouldn't need reminders to my birthday. Still, the results were un-surprisingly few. Haha.

Nevertheless, i can't be disappointed. Because that's just the way the current world is. Because of the wonderful notification app, many of my friends were able to take this chance to share something i've never knew abt them and how they view me. It was a great opportunity for me to reflect on my relationships with everyone too.

As usual, I know my poor friends are at a loss of what to do with me, when i refused to celebrate my own birthday the proper way. Kinda pity them. haha. But this year has been so significant to me and there had been so many celebrations already, I felt that today, was the best time for me to spend it like a normal day. Surfing the net, sending out my hugs and kisses, having dinner by myself (thou Ailin and Rena were obviously waiting to treat me. :P) and attending the RHQ5 leaders meeting at TBSC. :) Last but not least, a movie treat to 'Sandcastle' from Mr. Hysen. The film has a slow-moving pace. But one part that kept repeating, struck a chord in me.

These lines revolved around the protagonist's late father's love letter to his wife, telling a tale of a man who had returned from the sea.

He was on a search in the ocean, seeking of an Utopia for his people. It wasn't easy. What if he had gave up the search when he was almost there? He found it, nevertheless. And when he returned to tell his wonderful tale, they were too afraid to step out of their comfort zone to believe him. This man couldn't bear to leave his loved ones. Remaining on land until he grew old, never did he returned to the sea. And when he finally did, he realized, that the amount of courage that remained in him, were not sufficient enough for him to plunge back in, and all he could do was to stay by the shore. Are we often leading our lives, just like this man?

Just this January, i vividly recall myself encouraging my friends to chase their dreams, no matter what comes our way. And in a span of just eight months, i feel my own vision blurring in front of me. Due to circumstances, we are forced to accept reality and society for what it is. Are we really helpless?

Ikeda Sensei often praised the youth for taking action towards righteousness, towards lofty ambitions. Many other world leaders out there, are taking the same stand. It makes me wonder now, 'Are they calling out to us, to achieve what they were not able to when they were younger?'

The adults we see everyday, weren't they the same as what we are today? If so, why can't they renew their determination every time they start to lose themselves? What was holding them back? Will I lose myself and become as apathetic too?

I've decided. To give myself one more chance. One more attempt. Even if I should fail, I know I wouldn't live with regrets. And I will never allow another youth to fail due to the similar circumstance I face today.

Today, I wrote a letter. And in this letter, I composed a poem of my determination to my mentor, Ikeda Sensei.

Like a lighthouse,

I will continue to shine my light on the lost ships in life.

Like a lion cub,

I will roar so loudly that the cunning foxes of doubt and laziness will stay away.

Like a determined carp,

I will leap over Dragon’s Gate with all my might.

Like a young eagle,

I will soar and fight all the injustice in the world.

As Ikeda’s disciple,

I will continue to seek out and be victorious, just like my mentor.

Playing With Fire, Pushing The Limits

Have you ever wanted something so badly before you'd die for it?
That was pretty much the kind of desperation I felt on August 14th, 2010.
I guess that's probably what they mean as "not begrudging one's life".

164 days of training, 3936 hours, 550 performers, 100 fire performers, 21 safety crews, 10 fire trainers, countless pails of fuel, spins, ignition, blisters and burns. - Bornfire.

It was probably the first performance I'd ever participated that has not achieved perfection before during rehearsals. With the usual cultural festivals, national day parades, chingay parades and school events, by the 2nd or 3rd rehearsal, everyone would be confident of their positions and steps. Not that we wouldn't. But the huge potential risks were present at every moment. Til Show Day, changes were apparent.

The initial trainings brought on a toll on each participant. Because of the different requirements of each trainer and prop, we were tossed about countless times. From poi, to staff, to fan and dart...this routine went on for 2-3 sessions. The elites had their places confirmed in their specific prop group. The weaker ones in techniques had to go through auditions again and again til they got selected. Those who couldn't get into any of the fire elements felt dejected and disappointed. So were the rest, who felt helpless as we watched our friends leave. Through the trainings, a few others dropped out, due to unavailability to commit, inappropriate attire, unable people-relate and not surprisingly, the fear of fire. Like me, many others can't believe we actually stick through the end.

Our item's called "Playing With Fire, Pushing The Limits". The story begins with a little girl (Charmaine :D ) finding a box of matches at home and ignores her mother's warning of 'Don't play with fire'.

This production was brought together by 450 youths age ranging from upper-primary, secondary and tertiary students, posing as carps. It's also a collaboration with Bornfire, a non-profit organization that works towards a goal of bridging differences and aims to break the stigma of what the public has of fire arts. In the fire element, there were 100 fire performers, 95% who has never been exposed to fire arts. 10 wonderful international free-lance instructors. We also had about 30 young men who donned themselves as carps, shooting pyrotechnics.

The inaugural Youth Olympic Games committee were about seeking new ways to bring Olympic opening ceremonies to new heights. Situated in the world's largest floating platform, performers were required to showcase their items in a huge water lake that was at 5cm high. We met so many obstacles.

The costumes got wet and weighs a ton as water soak up the material. Fire performers had our costumes heavily soaked in fire-retardant that smelt like Omega 3 Fish oil. >.<>

At such a time, the three obstacles and four devils will invariably appear, and the wise will rejoice while the foolish will retreat. - WND.

After warm-up and changing into our costumes, we were told that the weather was looking so bad, the show would be delayed. Of course, if it does rain, its impossible to even perform. We started to chant daimoku. Never in our other productions has SSA performers chanted less for the success of the show. But in SYOG, we had never come together to chant in unison before, due to the respect for many non-members that were present.

As we stood at the 3rd level of F1 pit and watched the weather at the platform, the clouds seem to drift nearer to the stage. I got so desperate, my body was shivering and I started to cry!! *faints*

You know how dramatic it is for girls to have mascara-streaked faces? At least, I always thought that way. And I couldn't believe it when aaron took my hands away from my face and exclaimed, attracting more people to look. UGLYYYY~ haha. But with out determined and united prayers, we overcame the weather!! :D


At every SSA performance, we did our best and the organizing committees for different shows know it. They have never got much to worry about. From the choreography changes to support staff and performers' discipline, we always try to excel, be better than we were before. And this item is definitely an enormous breakthrough, not just for us but everyone who knew the efforts we put into making this, the best ever.

We wanted to blow people's minds. We had to do things no one else has ever attempted. Our trainers were awesome role models and our safety crew were committed to their tasks. Of course, we had arguments and unpleasant moments. I was not everybody's best friend. But it was not avoidable. Because of everyone's dedication and passion for the show, ideas evolved and merged with others, they became more creative.

"The definition of a good show is where only we know what went wrong."
- extract from The Spark, Cirque De Soleil.

There were glitches here and there but thankfully, the camera angles caught all the right ones and the performers got back up on their feet almost immediately. We were pleased. We were proud. All because we knew it was the best we could offer to the world with all sincerity and passion, under those circumstances.

Countless human dramas took place throughout the last five months. It wasn't just our show. It was also human revolution in our individual lives. Obstacles came and vyed with each other. But we overcame all odds and transform into a dragon. :D

Leaping over the Dragon Gate

Each of us, is like a carp.


To transform into dragons, we need to face big obstacles like fishermen and birds of prey and overcome the huge currents while leaping up the waterfall, Dragon Gate. Those who succumb to their own negativity, will only end up miserable and filled with regrets.

However, the One Carp who can make a strong vow to leap the waterfall, no matter what adversities come its way, will definitely turn into an invincible dragon.

"Those who try hard will be rewarded with unimaginable benefits, regardless of how humble their origins."

That is the moral of the Chinese myth, "Leaping the Dragon Gate".

Are you the lone carp who spends its entire life hiding at the bottom of the waterfall, or do you dare to challenge yourself to newer heights and transform into a dragon?! Only YOU can determine the answer.

What have I been doing?

Pretty much nothing. And its damn unhealthy. No challenges, no struggles, no life.

I'm not weird. Just feel like pushing myself further. Of course, without much direction or goal, my amount of daimoku (prayers/chanting) has decreased too. My journey towards attaining Buddhahood in this lifetime might take even longer now. LOL. Thankfully, that's not the reason why I'm practicing this Buddhism.

Time to set my life back into course. It's nice staying in the library for hours, or just lazing at home with just me and Mr. Macbook, but life's definitely stagnant. Biggest acheivement so far? I've watched more movies in this week alone, than I ever did in the last 21 and 3/4 years of my life. *applause*

Maybe I was wrong. Life isn't all about just learning and learning new stuff. I'm not letting myself put anything I've learn into good use. Now, It seems more appealing to me, to FIND A JOB, and after a day of work, come back and find some time to do the other things, instead of living that way 24/7.

My past job required 100% of my time & commitment. My current occupation, or lack of, is wasting that 100% - well, except for the time I'm going for meetings and meeting with friends. Conclusion? I really need to have the good fortune to find a job that earns me Beauty, Gain & Value.

Beauty - a job that I like, or find interesting.
Gain - time and money. something that pays and also allows me to 'have THE life'.
Value - somewhere i can learn and contribute back joyfully.

At a meeting today, JY shared, that the most important kind of Courage probably found when we decide to take FULL RESPONSIBILITY - of our lives and the environment.

Are we going to the most difficult places? Are we challenging ourselves at the place that needs us the most? Are we taking initiative to change our environment or simply relying on others to take that first step?

I guess THAT is also the most unpretentious kind of Courage. You'll bound to face opposition/persecution. Because it's so hard for human beings to convince themselves that "I CAN." But that's also the most important courage one needs to cultivate in one's life. At least, I know that's something I need to work on mine.

k. this pep talk is getting somewhere. haha. time for action.
i'll update my progress on tuesday. :D

There are times when we won’t see each other for a while, you’ve got your life, and I have mine. But, all you has to do is smile and you'll have me again. And if we have the time? Tell me everything that's been going in your life. And I shall share mine too. :)

Awakening

So...i guess close buddies and girlfriends probably knew i had quit my job already. Thanks for the concern, darlings. And whether its been a rude awakening, a worthwhile experience or not, things had happened and i'm not going to regret my decision. :)

Besides thinking of the next step to take, i'm also wasting no time checking off each of my personal resolutions. I'm not perfect. In fact, i'm usually procrastinating my errands, impatient when things are not happening as they should and feeling sorry for myself most of the time.

ohwell.. :/
"what can i say?"

But, i'm glad i have a mentor in life, who guides me through my darkest hours. Comrades and good friends who are there, assuring me that i'm not alone. In fact, just knowing that they are trying to be strong, just because they need to be, for their loved ones, gives in unparalleled strength to forge ahead in all adversities.

Reading through Peijun's 20th birthday wishlist leaves me with some...regret for my 21st wishlist. I didn't complete the Organ Donation form that was sent to my home and now I've lost it. And reading hers, made me resolved to make a new wishlist this year..

2010. Half way gone. Time to renew my determination and take action!!

"Everything begins with the resolve to take the first step. From that action, wisdom arises and change begins. Without action, nothing changes."

Daisaku Ikeda.

So...here goes nothing.

1. Cleaning up. Pack and re-arrange my messy bookshelf, my wardrobe, my bags, my life.

2. Catch up in my reading. Daily news. Two books a month. Engrave the Human Revolution volumes in my life.

3. Engage in more heart-to-heart dialogues with people around me.

4. Fill in a proper Organ Donation form and send it to HOTA, MOH. (Singapore Human Organ Transplants Act)

5. Learn another language/dialect.
I'm so half-passed-six in my mother tongues of Mandarin and English. And barely anywhere in others like the Hokkien or Cantonese (start picking it up at work) dialects and Malayu. It's time to polish these and maybe, i might even pursue Sign Language. :)

6. Complete my 1 million daimoku by 31st December 2010.

Of course, the list does not end here. But the rest shall be for another post.

:D

Running Away

That had been all I did for the last few months. I hate feeling so lousy and sorry for myself. And thankfully, I have wonderful people in my life.

Every morning, I wake up with messages waiting to encourage me, how to not flinch at my problems, but forge ahead, overcome it and move on. Thanks for all the love. I feel so shameful. :P All the complaining. How painful your ears must have felt all this while..but you guys still stayed on. Thank you for that.

Of course, there are others, whom I understand, couldn't be there physically for me. But looking at your photos, reading what's going on in your life from FB (Siti...) and from publications (Ikeda Sensei, ZhenWei, Peicong, Van...etc), I know I'm not fighting this battle alone. :)

A lot happened today. Small incidents that shook me up.
A friend wasn't feeling well. I didn't realized it and all along I was beside her~ Sorry. :( Another girlfriend had an ultra-unlucky day. But a little gift can cheer her up so much.

On the way home, a friend thanked me for a msg. Just a small greeting that made his day. Well, it made mine too. These stuff might seem like relative happiness/unhappiness to us, but it also reminded me that I have the Mystic Law and let me realized how selfish I had been for a while. A pretty long while. With the Gohonzon, there's no reason to doubt.

The reason why I hadn't been blogging isn't because I wish to fake a happy-all-the-time identity virtually. I know how many pages my complaints and grumbling can fill up this blog. And I didn't want to leave these unhappy memories down for readers. The world is sad enough for pessimists. There's no need to add more to it.

The following passage is "kop-ed" from mx's blog. I can't say it better myself.
"Life is really about moments I realize. Day in Day Out, People talk about crucial moments. I know the crucial moment for me has arrived. Time to take action. Rejection may not necessary be a bad thing but everything start from scratch again , for me at least!! I can honestly tell myself that I want a break VERY VERY BADLY!!! Not trying to be emo but I been feeling quite lonely and super tired nowadays. Missing out on plenty of things. TRAINING TRAINING, MX shall not be defeated by all of these rubbish. If your stomach is full, you cannot practise faith correctly. Winter never fails to turn to spring."

I cannot allow the three poisons of greed, anger and foolishness
take over my life.
I'll be stronger.

Thanks, <3
:)

I'm not going to hold on to them any longer.
This is my absolute happiness. I've found the solution.
This time, I've learnt to let go..

A roller coaster ride.

So much has happened and im still putting all the bits and pieces together.

People coming and going.
Who's going to make an impact and stay here for a long long time to come?
Or is this the first and last time both of us are ever going to meet?
Do we need to leave our contacts for the other?
What degree of friendliness should I project to you then?

Is this really what I want for myself?
Is this where my mission lies?
What else am I missing out?
Who else is coming along?

Who should I be? Be true to myself, you say?
So..how untrue had I been all this while then?

Strength. Undefeatable. Courageous.
Compassionate. Demure. Gentle. Emotional.
I was a little here and there. That's who I am. Or was.
Am I really going to let the environment shape me otherwise?
If 'no', then why am I being so careful with my words?
Why hasn't I been able to speak up and voice out my thoughts?

How i wish i have 24 more hours. just lie down comfortably, reflect and blog all day.

:|

Just checked in.

I'm currently located at Changi Airport, Terminal One, Gate D37. It's 9.47am.

Just checked in and I still can't believe I'm doing this alone. Thankfully, the guys will be meeting me at Taoyuan International Airport. Haha, I wonder where all this courage came from. In less than 2 weeks, and hardly any prior discussion, Yijie, Junwei, Junqi and I are going for our informal grad tripv to Taiwan.

Will continue to update whenever we're free. Or when we get back to SG.

I'm missing my family, friends and comrades already..
Although I'm on a vacation, my mission for kosen-rufu will not pause here. I've brought with me the new SSA YWD english publication, "The Vow of Ikeda Kayo", Feb-April 2010 CL issues, SSA Times issues regarding the SYM (SSA Youth Muscial) and also the original soundtrack of the SYM to share with the members there. :)

GTG!! Boarding soon.

SEE YOU ALL IN A WEEK's TIME!! PLEASE TAKE CARE!!

:D

School's out. What's next?

Time seems to fly by SO SO fast..


School has ended...weeks ago. :/
"Am I the only one slacking? :/ :/"

That was probably one big question mark in my mind every single day since the semester ended. Even if i act dumb, my mum would voice it out religiously every evening.

I'm glad a few friends of mine shook me out of dreamland. Time to face the world. Even though they needn't say much, or might not even have the intention to, their actions constantly sent me to another level of guilt.

What am I doing?

Everyone else's either sending out university applications, looking out for scholarship interviews or finding work...any work.

Finally decide this wouldn't do. No matter how far-fetched my dreams seemed to be now, if I do not even take a single step towards reality, nothing can be realized.

SO...

I found myself a job today!! :) And I really look forward to it~

Plucked up my courage to call Pang, boss of a production company and he offered to fetched me from wherever I was, and drove me to his office! Nice man. Not much paperwork to do and I'm just getting a basic salary, but this is one big actual proof - chanted really sincerely for a breakthough!

Never thought the interview to be this easy. I got the job almost right away and we spent the entire car journey discussing what I could possibly learn and contribute to the company. Can't wait to start~

Of course, we both anticipate possible working temperaments. I guess its unavoidable, so I look forward to a rewarding and strict training. First call starts Friday!! - Mayday concert. Hope I can pick up the skills asap... >.<

-=-

PLUS~

NPSD's orientation and graduation's coming!!
OMG!! Really excited!! Though I'm graduating, I can't wait to see the result of all the efforts of everyone else!! :D

xyn - our chief chereographer. :)

PLUS PLUS~~
May's coming in a few weeks.. really hope I can brush up my dancesteps soon. Don't wanna pull the team down. We are lighting our props in May! :S

MARCH is here.

MARCH 16. Kosen-Rufu Day.
Time to renew our vow. Time to start afresh.

School's over and it's time for all of us to move on to our greater mission in life, wherever that is. Kinda disappointed by myself. I'm surprised and ashamed I have no concrete plans.

After the recent chalet, (Junwei's 21st) I really pondered hard about it. Where do I go from here? Rochelle and Yingting are working hard to try out different routes. (be it job interviews or university applications) Christine's got a job. The guys are waiting for NS. Some of the girls are already hard at work. Where am I? What have I been doing? Only I know better.

Fortunately, SYM (SSA Youth Musical) and YOG (Youth Olympic Games Opening Ceremony item) came timely. Every comrade is striving hard towards a common goal. To create value in their lives and others. And I don't wanna be just a spectator. Thanks to every single one who has been encouraging me thru showing actual proof in your lives. :)

My Comrades. My 'Pork Soup'.

Watched 4 musicals in a single weekend and I try so hard to engrave every line, every word in my heart. As if Toda Sensei and Ikeda Sensei are speaking to me personally, entrusting the mission for kosen-rufu (happiness for all people) to me.

To Vanessa, I'm really indebted to you. After writing and recording New Dawn, thanks for writing such an inspiring theme song for SYM too. It has been a huge source of motivation to me and I'm sure, to many many others too. And the songs written by the music team for the musical are really encouraging. Hope the OST and DVD will be out soon..

To all the cast (mandarin and english) and the stage crew, logistics, costumes, props, makeup and admin...thanks for all the efforts!

After watching the audience laugh at the love confession scene, cry when we can relate to the experiences of the SGI leaders and the mentor and disciple spirit of Toda & Shin'ichi..every single effort put into the musical has been paid off. You've accumulated good fortune for yourselves, infuse joy and hope in the lives of all and shown the greatness of Soka's M&D spirit by your own actions!! :D

YOG. At first, I grabbed this opportunity to join, plainly for the fun of a cultural performance. Then, at the first audition, the youth coordinator shared with us our mission for this item. As one of the opening acts for such a grand-scale event, we will be watched closely by all international media. Which means our families, friends and comrades around the world will be watching it. It also means my beloved mentor will be watching us too. I want to be his pride. We will do our best, Sensei!

Our item's Playing Fire. The core SSA group is made up of hundreds of upper primary, secondary to tertiary students holding fish props. It's really no easy feat carrying the fish poles, especially the younger kids. Besides moving into their formations, they have to depict a beautiful school of carefree fishes - gentle, yet vibrant. Another hundred of us are going to take up another form of challenge, fire. At the last training, professional trainers came and show us an awesome display of fire props - fire poi; fire staff and fire fan!! I can't wait for the next training!! :D

Yea...Action. I need to take some concrete action for my life, with a fully laid-out plan.

>.<

NEED MORE DAIMOKU!!

LOFTy moments

Author's Note: This space has not been abandoned. I'm back. (:


If there's one word to describe my January and February, it would be 'LOFT'.
I will never forget the days and nights spent over at the cosy 4-room apartment with my dearest classmates.

It had been fun and almost blissful. It had been tough to live together too. In the class DVD, i din have the luxury to write everything down. So, a warning in advance. The following is a long entry.

MY PERSONAL TOP TEN

(It differs from person to person. Plus, i'm not exactly a full-time loft patron.)

THE WAIT
the hour-long queues for the bathroom (read: May Mon & Junqi, hogging both toilets)

THE SINK
unwashed cups, multiple-time-reused 'disposables' and the few drops of diluted detergent.

THE SMELL
the regular stench of instant korean ramen and >.< 男人味!! (ohh..how much i had to scrub my clothes to get the smell out of my clothes before dumping into the washing machine.)

THE DRINKING SESSIONS
countless empty bottles of POKKA white chrysanthemum and ice lemon tea are displayed at the bar table daily. and yea la, we too have some other 'restricted drinks' at times.

THE GREEN WALL and the RATTAN BASKET
i'm sure everyone has seen camwhoring sessions and video clips of our famous green canvas and the favourite photoshoot prop, our rattan basket.


OUR LIVING ROOM
Spacious to the max, all we need is just to pull our our sofa beds and mattresses, it could fit almost the entire class to sleep over.

AL AZHAR
Indian-Asian HALAL Cuisine. Almost a nightly affair for many to dine here. Situated opposite Beauty World. Affordable and good. Believe me. :)

OUR STUDIO
AVT's second home. First's the LOFT. (we were REALLY hardly at our own homes.)
Equipped with industry-standard audio recording & effect processors, plus stuff that can't even be found in the local audio scene! Though I personally still can't fully appreciate everything there, we spent days and nights perfecting our audio mix and music video.

EXAMINATIONS
On such rare periods, you will see us gathered at almost every room of each apartment unit mugging. (NOTE: we had 3 units=12rooms to ourselves.) And at times when we are on the brink of madness, people would be prank-ringing each other's doorbells, ordering McD at wee hours and singing pokemon theme songs for entertainment.

THE PEOPLE!
Last but not least. Of course, we are tightly woven in this social fabric where human dramas take place every single moment. We disagreed, argued, fought, and then make up again. Seen each other's ugly side of life. Tolerated with one another's nonsense and weird habits.

At a point of time, i almost thought a few friendships were almost un-amendable. Thankfully, we have been thru that and now, we see ourselves clearer and bond better as one class. Thanks for all the love and hate these months, ppl. I know in many many ways, I lack a lot. Thanks for accepting me and letting me into your world. haha.

Amirr. Wani. Siti. May. Rochelle. Wilson. Chu Lee. Jun Wei.
Yi Jie. Christine. Justin. Ying Ting. Kenneth. Ben Chan. Norman. Jun Qi.

Yea la.. i may be the old auntie. But thanks for going thru some of my most embarrassing moments and bearing with the nagging. <3

-=-
My sister was telling me how much she miss my smiles. I missed it too and more than anyone else, I'm acutely aware of how little I have been smiling. It's to the extent sometimes I find myself typing apology SMSes when I fake my enthusiasm to my friends. How ugly.

Give me some time. I will be back.